(i have been trying to finish this entry for over a week)
Tue, May 6, 2008 -12:49 PM on tribe.net
I moved out of my mom's house and in with a friend a little over a month ago. Everything was going great, i was cleaning her house instead of paying rent. we set up a chore chart and pretended she was paying me so mnuch an hour to earn rent money and i would work about $300 worth a month to sleep in her kitcchen. i though eveything was going great until two nights ago when she informed me that she was verry angry that i had not been doing my chores. this was news to me! but i didn't say anything because i am living under her roof on her conditions. She even said i was should have been doing things she specifically told me not to do just weeks before and that i should have taken the initiative to do her dirty laundry from the night before. but no one informed me there was any dirty laundry! i try talking to my AA sponsor about it but she doesn't seem to understand, especally considering that she sponsors both of us, my friend for a year longer than me.
then the night after that oone of her daughters went through my stuff and told her about the $200 i have in my bank account. i hadn't been keeping it a secret on purpose, it just never came up. She doesn't believe me when i tell her that i hvae not been using that money for myself and even went so far as to call me a liar! She is angry that i would take advantage of her hospitality and not help her out with the bills. as she said, she took pity on me having no money and now thinks i have been stiffing her. i tried to explain to her that the money i have is for college and i cannot spend it. Now she goes around the hhouse talking to her daughters about how i'm a free-loader and i have been taking advantage of her. that rele hurts.
i now have two weeks to get a job and start paying rent or i'm out on the streets. i'm going down to the DMV to get a california ID today and it should take about thirty days for them to mail it to me. If you know anything about getting a job then you know that i must have an ID in order to get a job, or a $110 passport that i don't have the money to buy, and if you are any good at math you know that thirty days is longer that two weeks. If i wasn't still in highschool i would have already moved to Palm Desert, California where my boyfriend/fiance is waiting for me.
As it is i'm not going to be graduating because i am failing three classes. i am going to be attending adult school as soon as this semester is over.
Email to Dylan 5-10-08
"i'm pretty sure u have sensed that something has been going on so i thought i'd get u up to date. i relle wish that i could call and talk to u again, those times were rele nice.
well, i moved up to crestline on thursday with my friend doug. he is a 62 year old man that will be spiritually adopting me in july. a close family friend and a memeber of my lodge family. i am continuing to go to school and i am going to begin working on my senior project again that i may pass my english class with naranjo. i am learning a new way of life and beginning to find out who i really am without the influences of others. when r u comming to visit? i went job searching up here on the mountian today and have like 6 applications to fill out and return tomorrow. i got into some rele bad stuff at the last place i was at. i didn't know that she was practicing black magic and trying to take a hold of me. my lodge family helped me take care of that. and the last thing; i broke up with alex tonight"
before all that happened i had stopped going to school b/c i was planning to drop out in the last semester of my senior year... as of this point shcool is over, i only failed twoo classes and i can make those up in alternative ed starting july 7th.
When i broke up with alex i didn't get a chance to talk to him about it, things were kinda complicated and i don't wanna go into it on myspace but i tried calling the one time i could and he didn't answer. i felt uncomfortable talking to the answering machine. i wish i had gotten the chance to try to have him not hate me like he does. i will definately be calling him on the 10th when the month is up. trying to salvage the friendship we somewhat had
Well since then i recieved an email from alex saying he was sorry and that he wanted to be friends again. i cried alot while reading that message because it was alot easier when he had hated me. i replied to the message even though my friend danny told me not to, but i didn't allow myself to get sucked back into his drama. i simply told him i couldn't do this.....
after breaking up with alex i got with Michal but that only lasted about a month, i started to get annoyed with everything he said and did. when i broke up with him my dad once again said i needed to be single and i tried.. the thing with trying is it gives me an excuse to fail. so in less than a week i ended up hooking up with Devin, a guy i had met at work and had been hanging out with for about a week. we went out for two months before i ended up in the BMC (a psyche ward). he came to see me every day and even broke his favorite and only car doing so. he did bring that up when i broke up with him. at the time i didn't know y i was breaking up with him and i even told him so, i just knew i wasn't happy. i think the real reason was b/c i didn't feel comfortable telling him i loved him while i was liking danny... well less than a week after devin i hooked up with danny and then we started going out a few days later.
i told devin he was playing with fire b4 we even got together, i feel so bad for what i do to the guyz i love. i fall in love with them and they me, then i break their heart. it makes me feel like some kind of horrible person that uses men for her own pleasure and then gets rid of them when she gets bored... i thought about that and actually considered it because it seemed to fit... that i only enjoy the chase and when things get secure, i get bored. that made me feel even worse.... but i wasn't always like that, i was with alex for over a year and george for six months. sometimes i wonder if it's b/c of what george did that i can't seem to stay in a relationship.
each and every time i get with sum1 i am now scared that i will hurt them and inevitably end up doing so. i know i want to be happy but not at the expense of everyone else.