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dark

Still Emo

i don't rele know what's wrong with me, i know what triggered this depressive spell but i can't figure out what is keeping me here. i just wish i could make everyone happy by being happy for them but i can't even fake a believable smile... i'm stuck at my mom's, i came down here to do a pipe ceramony for protection and then found out that i don't get to go home until the red sox game is over, we're in like the 6th inning now and i wanted to go home right after the ceremony was over! i rele wanted to be able to go to a meeting tonight. but, it rele sucks being here after having worked my 4th step cuz i now know that i need to give my mom the respect she diserves as a mother. it's relel irritating.
so i woke up this morning to doug (my dad) saying that he didn't mind devin (my ex) as much as danny (my bf) because he had a job, and danny was lying right next to me, i don't know how much he heard but he got up and went outside to smoke. when i finally joined him he didn't wanna talk about it, he never waqnts to talk... it made me feel unworthy, i try to trust him but that is obviously not recriprocated in our relationship. when we finally went back inside they were still talking shit about how he couldn't move in with me, even though i already knew that and never even considered it. i think the thing that got to me most was when my dad said that danny has been taking advantage of me! i don't wanna hear that kinda shit... then danny was going to leave w/o me, so i went w/ him cuz i had promised the night b4 that i would help him move back in with his gma and gpa. so i went upstairs too tell cat (the girl he had been staying w/) and doug where i was going and got even more pissed off when doug said something along the lines of, "you know he can't stay here" so i just said , "bye doug" and went downstairs to my rooml, got danny and left. during the 15min walk to cat's house danny and i talked about him not opening up and that he pretty much never had and probably never would. after what i did on friday night i'm pretty sure i have negatives in his trust area and i rele wish that hadn't happened. after we got his stuff and got to his gma's i was still okay. i dont know if it was his gma that triggered me or the fact that i found out he had lied to me, that rele hurts. alot. now i'm trying not to cry h/o...
i'm gonna go smoke...

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