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Dec. 28th, 2007



I'm here typing with wet nails because i just painted them for like the fifth time today. i started out with red but when i took a shower five of them got messed up so i claeaned them and painted those ones purple. the next one to get messed up i painted blue and now i just put on a clear coat... just thought i'd explain the title of this entry. lolz.
My ex  boyfriend of like two years back, harrison, will be getting here soon, he is set to arrive around midnight. He's the one that actually got me involved in Livejournal. We have been good friends for a long time and i am glad that our friendship didn't die when our relationship ended. I actually left him for alex almost two years ago. As you could have already  gathered alex and i didn't work out and i then went on to george. that was a horrible breakup. really, they both were, george and Alex. but that's all done and over now and Harrison is comming over for my birthday on tuesday. he'll be staying till then. I'm glad to know that at least one person will be here for my birthday. Chantel and Mary (LBC) are supposed to be comming too but you never know what can happen between now and then since none of them live in the area.
I was on Sobercircle.com today and a guy asked me to be his sponsor. i said i couldn't, which i can't, because i'm only supposed to sponsor girls. but i said i would help him like a sponsor would if he wanted. i got him all hooked up with the sight of the big book and siggested that he read it. well the bumber thing is that when i went back online to the chat room he was just leaving to go get a fifth and burn down the house of his best friend that he caught in bed with his wife of four years or so. she's pregnant now. i felt kinda bad cuz i had tried to help him and for a little while i kinda thought it was my fault. i did realize though that i have no controll over what he does and all i can do is offer suggestions. i guess god is just trying to teach me a lesson. that i'm not ready to have a sponsee yet and i will get one when the time is right.
now my fingers are hurting from typing so much cuz it's cold so i'm gonna go now.

I Failed

As you could have gatered i tried to stop smoking yesterday. well it didn't work out so well for me. Around 11 last night i found myself crying over nothing and unable to stop. i thought it might be due to the low blood sugar thing we thought was the problem b4 so i went and ate a sugar packet. About 5 mintes later i still didn't fell any better and was feeling worse b/c i began to feel  guilty b/c Alex was trying to cheer me up by trying to make me laugh and that made me feel even worse. So after trying to go to bed and also failing at that i went outside to have half a smoke.
i continued to smoke throughout the day starting at the noon meeting i went to (which was rele great btw) but i have hopes and plans to quit again tomorrow. i hope it all works out tomorrow. if not i'll just have to try some other ppl's suggestions cuz i gotta quit by the first. i made a promise.

Dec. 26th, 2007



 "Of course you're in relapse mode," my sponsor says after i explain to her what's wrong, "you haven't smoked all day!"
I told my friend i'd quit smoking before my birthday which is next tuesday, yes i'm a newyears baby, and i decided to try agai today. I tried quitting last week on wednesday but i gave up after letting my mom get to me. she had begun yelling at me as soon as i walked in the front door, literally. So i'm doing good so far even though my mind keeps trying to come up with excuses to smoke one and this internal battle seems to be killing me. i haven't smoked today and like drinking i believe that's what counts.
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Dec. 24th, 2007



 there is something that has been bugging me since the night b4 last when we had the anual AA christmas party at my house. to get u caught up i might as well tell you about Jeanie and Michael. Michael is Jeanie's boyfriend. He lives at a sobeer complex with other veterans like himself in an apartment with a guy named Richard that i refer to as Spike. Jeanie is my mom's really good friend, she spends almost havf the week at our house. Michael was recently kicked out of Spike's apartment and he says it's cuz Spike doesn't want him there anymore. The Problem is that Spike says that Michael got kicked out by their landlord for drinking because both he and Jeanie have been drinking in the apartment for a while. that bugs me cuz i don't want to think that Jeanie has been drinking. Shee's too cool in sobriety.
The other problem is that i told my mom what Spike said and now she's rele worried about it. She is also rele pissed off that Spike would go around saying things like that whether or not they are true, especally to her daughter!

Dec. 21st, 2007



 It's one of those things
that sneaks upon you.
Some can be good,
but too much
will most surely
lead you upon the destined path
of self destruction.
Is there a way
to not be scared?
A way
not to be frightened
of all i see?
Perhaps a solution
is what i need.

They say to face your fears but what if the outcome is worse than the regret?

Dec. 20th, 2007


Forgotton Father

Remembering like this
is no longer okay for me.
All i ever wanted was a kiss
from my once beloved daddy.

Those things we did
were so much fun.
Recalling life as a kid
is like stareing at the sun...

My eyes start to water and sting
as i begin to cry.
For him i used to really sing
towards the hevans and the skies.

But now he's gone and i can't forget
just how i used to love him.

Dec. 19th, 2007


My Past Returns

 This world is getting smaller,
i can no looger hide.
People can change,
but memories, they last forever.
Shallow reminders of past regrets
are kindleingto the fires of my resentment.
Fearful winds raise the flames
till they lick the bottom
of the heavens.
Angels cry and plea,
sensing the rage within.
Exploding in my gut,
the fire smoulders down.
Red coals remain, embedded
in the lining of my stomach.
Silent winds feed them
with every breath i take.
Burning into my soul
they sometimes dissapear,
but deception can't last forevey;
the ashes will be moved eventually
and the fire will burn again.


The Cursed

 Words of wisdom spoken wrongly
with interpretations made to match the point
are thrown across the room with
random words of horror
used to hide their fears.
Remembering thier foolish fate
they try to fix the past
and in doing so they set in motion
events they shall regret.
False truths to prove thier points
will bring them to their doom,
for thier footing is in sand
and a great storm is comming.



You... Me... Us

The pain i see
is not fair
to anyone but me.

i have earned my right
to cry myself to sleep
at night.

but you deserve more
than i have
ever given before.

like the hurt i cause
for everyone;
there is no pause

every time something is right
you can leave it to me
to ruin everything in sight.

For you this is not
what i

I want you to be happy.
and i'm scared
it won't be that way with me.


Dec. 8th, 2007



All this time in my mind
leads me to insanity and ends the day so sadly.
My only wish
is to leave this life in happiness.
Without sorrow nor regeret
and yet
i know
i can do this with you tomorrow.
we can finally be together
but not only just forever.
another day we will find
just how much we have left behind.
it's what we find inthe future
that makes it all like stepping on a crack.
it's not perfect but it will be okay.

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